Now

I'm sitting in my en-suite bathroom. I spend alot of time in here. In lots of bathrooms actually, and I was thinking of how much I am already loving this. I think, this, like all things, like knowing when to have a baby, when to get married,or buy a house, when to decide what loaf of bread to buy, things happen how and when they're supposed to. I knew there'd never be the right time to have children. I'd never have enough money, and no matter how much I read or thought I knew what I was getting myself into, I'd never really know what it would be like until I had no other choice but to find out. I remember driving to the hospital with my husband when my daughter was born, freaking out that I wasn't grown up enough to become a mother, I was right about that, for awhile, and wondering, obsessing actually about what babies wear for shoes. Do babies wear shoes? Do they just wear booties all the time? Socks maybe? I'd seen kids in socks, dangling from their mothers hip with one tiny little stub toed barefoot exposed to minus zero wind chill, even I knew this was wrong, but how could I possibly be ready to be a mom if I didn't even know what to put on her feet? Then well, she was born, and the timing was suddenly right, it was perfect in fact. When I saw her I knew, we knew, that we were meant for each other, and her feet, the ones that used to fit in my mouth and make her laugh when I tickle them, I got her softest slippers, so soft, that were the size of my pinky finger and had little treads in the shape of rubber duckies on the bottom.
When my ex-husband and I (I always catch my breath when I write that, ex-husband) bought our first house, we convinced ourselves, standing on plywood floors, looking around at the framing, that it was "our house," "Our home," and that the timing was right, and it was, for a while, and then, it wasn't. I drive by that house twice a week, we only moved a few blocks away. It's currently owned by some bitch that doesn't prune the trees out front, that can't see the mountains from the window they now block and doesn't know that the lilac bush in the north corner of the back yard was my first mother's day present.
I got married again. I'm better at it this time. I'm happier, more with myself than with anything else, and I know, in my heart, in that place where there is only truth, that this is the right time, the right man, for me, forever, and one day, when I'm at the grocery store and I decide to buy flax instead of our regular eight grain, just to live on the dietary edge for a week, we'll find ourselves at breakfast one morning, having toast with our new bread, and the conversation will go something like this,
"I like this bread. Do you?" I ask, with this deep meaningful look on my face, staring at the buttery surface, waiting for his answer, for the affirmation that I did the right thing by switching.
"Yes, I think it's better than the other one," my husband will say, and just like that, we'll bond over fibre. I'll be happy that he approves of my selection, just as I'm happy when he likes my new haircut or the way I added some spice to meatloaf, just as he likes it when I acknowledge the fact that, "my god, what a wonderful job you did unplugging the toilet," the bread, the hair, the whatever becomes the thing that tells us we made the right choice by picking each other. When we like the same song, I feel positivily euphoric. It's another connection, another reason, and we sing the song, and look at each other, more in love than ever before. You'd think we had the cure for cancer or something, the cure for cancer, if only it was that easy.
But, it's not, and the point is, if I have a point to make at all, is that hard choices, things that are difficult, aren't easy to do, and sometimes I'm just not ready to make those decisions, to expose myself and become vulnerable. It's been that way with my writing, with my blog, I wasn't ready to expose myself to other people, to have other people that I didn't know read my thoughts, but then I thought, if I'm not ready for that, then I shouldn't be doing this to begin with, so, I made the decision, and I am ready, I'm going to go for it, fuck fear and insecurities, this is who I am. Someone told me the other day, revel in it, and that's what I intend to do. P xoxoxoxo

I'm back!!!!!

I'm here, I finally found myself, I lost my password and forgot who I was, which isn't that unusual, but I'm back and I missed this, this thing that I started and forgot, it was like waking up from a dream of having good sex, having this feeling that something good happened, but I coudn't quite remember what it was....